本文探讨了如何摆脱设置界限时的焦虑和压力，实现轻松自然的边界感。作者分享了通过想象预演可能发生的负面后果，从而增强应对能力的方法。这种方法的核心在于，通过在头脑中模拟各种情境，减轻对拒绝、冲突等负面结果的恐惧，最终达到“我即是边界”的状态。文章强调，这种方法比传统的“暴露疗法”更安全、更快速、更有效，带来了意想不到的积极影响，如人际关系改善和个人自主性的提升。

🛡️ **初始困境：** 设置界限最初让人感到困难，常伴随焦虑和不适，源于对潜在负面后果的恐惧，如被责备、被讨厌等。

🎬 **心理预演：** 通过在脑海中模拟设置界限后可能发生的各种情境，并设想自己如何应对，从而为应对实际情况做好准备。

✅ **实践与转变：** 通过反复的心理预演，逐渐适应并消除对负面后果的恐惧，最终实现设置界限的轻松自如，达到“我即是边界”的状态。

Published on July 8, 2025 12:38 AM GMT

Setting boundaries used to feel hard. Like holding up a heavy shield to defend myself — a huge effort! But then that changed, and now “setting boundaries” feels effortless: as if our emotions exist in parallel dimensions. I can see theirs, but they can't harm mine.

You might think that I achieved this through lots and lots of practice or “exposure”, but no, that could take years and I’m not about that.

In the beginning of my journey, setting boundaries was super aversive. Telling people “No”? Asserting my desires? Eek! Even just thinking about asserting myself raised my heart rate and turned my stomach.

When I finally noticed this pattern of symptoms, I thought: What if my system creates this symptom on purpose? What if setting boundaries feels hard because there are incentives for it to be hard? What if setting boundaries has unwanted consequences?

Let’s see:

Somebody asks me do somethingI don’t feel a desire to do that thing, so I should set a boundary / declineWhat am I afraid will happen? … Playing the mental movie … They feel bad, get mad, get violent, blame me^[1]… and I feel like a bad person, fear retribution, fear gossip…

Ohh. No yeah I’m avoiding boundaries to avoid the consequences.

So… what if those things did happen? How would I like to feel and act? …

That’s what I did. I imagined all the consequences that I was afraid of and played through each like a video game.^[2]

For example, if they get sad maybe I want to feel secure in myself while empathizing with them through their sadness. If they get annoying, I want to say “No” and walk away. If they get violent I want to defend myself. Etc. Playing these out in detail, completely, recursively.

It took skill and time to notice the specific consequences that felt concerning. Otherwise… it basically just worked? I used to feel super anxious about setting boundaries, saying No, being in conflict, confronting people, being disliked, other people getting mad… for the past years I basically haven't.^[3] Occasionally I find a new potential consequence that triggers symptoms for me, but I just work through it in the same way. I got pretty fast at it.

Now it feels less like I’m “setting” boundaries and more like… I am boundaries. I am autonomous: I do things I want, because I want to, only when I want to. I’m more empathetic and can get closer to others without fear. My agency increased. My dating life improved.

Setting boundaries feels effortless now.

Summary:

Setting boundaries can feel effortless instead of effortful.Setting boundaries feels easier as you feel more comfortable with the potential consequences.To feel secure enough to handle potential consequences, it helps to play through them in your mind like a video game.

1. ^{^}

   This also explains why it’s easy to set boundaries with people who are chill, and hard with people who take rejection personally. You “feel safe around them”.

2. ^{^}

   It didn’t even require much ““exposure””. (Exposure is the common advice for this sort of thing; I avoided it because I’d seen people try exposure for years and still feel insecure about tons of stuff, theory for why.) Imagination turned out to be safer, faster, and more effective.

3. ^{^}

   The results were better than expected: You might think that the anxious feelings come up in these situations and I still have to deal with them, but no, they just don’t come up in the first place. And you might think this is repression, but my reaction time improved, I feel more, dating feels super easy, … In fact, my concerns feel so deeply unlearned that if I hadn’t kept notes, I think I could’ve forgotten I ever suffered from them.

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