Published on August 17, 2024 4:41 PM GMT
I don't usually post stories on LessWrong so I'm curious to see how this is received.
The first time we spoke, you asked me some questions that felt really invasive. I didn’t want that to happen again, so I avoided you the entire following year.
So when you said “Hi” at a party and suggested catching up, I hesitated. But curiosity won out.
You still asked probing questions like “Why did you quit your job?” and “What did you think of your manager? I hear they don't have a great social reputation.”
These weren't questions I wanted to answer. But this time, something was different. Not you—me.
In the past, I would have felt forced to answer your questions. But I’m sure you can remember how I responded when we spoke again: “Mm, I don’t want to answer that question”, “I don’t want to gossip”, and even a cheeky, “No comment :)”
It didn’t even take effort, that surprised me.
And nothing bad happened! We just spoke about other things.
I realized that I was protecting myself from you with physical distance.
But instead I could protect myself from you with “No.”
So simple…
Too simple?
Why didn’t I think of that before??
Oh, I know why: When I first met you, I was extremely afraid of expressing disapproval of other people.
I didn’t know it consciously. It was quite deeply suppressed. But the pattern fits the data.
It seems that I was so afraid of this, that when you asked me those questions when we met for the first time, the thought didn’t even cross my mind that I could decline to answer.
If I declined a question, I unconsciously predicted you might get mad, and that would make me feel terrible about myself.
So that’s why I didn’t say “No” to your questions when you first met me. And that’s why I avoided you so bluntly with physical distance. (Although, I also avoided everyone during that year for similar reasons.)
Why am I telling you all of this? You helped me grow. These days, it takes very little effort — and sometimes none at all— to reject others’ requests and generally do what I want. I’m much more emotionally secure now.
Also, I noticed a shift in how I perceived you. Once I realized I didn't have to avoid you, I began noticing qualities I admire. Your passion for your work. Your precise and careful reasoning. I want to learn from these traits. And now that I don't have to avoid you anymore, I can :)
Addendum: Beliefs I have
Emotional security is the absence of insecurities
In my model, emotional security is achieved by the absence of emotional insecurities— ie: I had those unconscious predictions like, “If something bad outside of my control happens, then I’m not going to be able to feel okay.” But it seems I unlearned most of mine. I don’t encounter situations that make me anxious in that way anymore, and I can’t imagine any new ones either. Rejecting others (and being rejected by others, same thing) has ceased to carry much unnecessary emotional weight.
(The one exception I can think of is if I was afraid that someone was going to physically harm me. But that’s rare.)
It’s about present predictions, not past trauma
One might wonder, “What happened to you? What trauma caused your inability to say ‘No’?” But that’s all irrelevant. All that matters is that I had that unconscious prediction in that present moment.
Thanks to Stag Lynn, Kaj Sotala, Damon Sasi, Brian Toomey, Epistea Residency, CFAR, Anna Salamon, Alex Zhu, and Nolan Kent for mentorship and financial support.
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