本文作者回顾了自己因祖父母的恐惧式育儿而产生的焦虑，并决心以不同的方式抚养子女。然而，她惊讶地发现，自己的儿子也继承了类似的恐惧和焦虑。作者反思了自己无意识中将恐惧传递给孩子的方式，并认识到即使初衷是保护，过度担忧也会对孩子造成负面影响。她强调了坦诚沟通、承认错误以及必要时寻求专业帮助的重要性，并表示将努力在最小的孩子身上培养自信，避免重蹈覆辙。

📱 恐惧式育儿的代际传递：作者的祖父母出于保护目的，通过灌输恐惧来教育她，这虽然培养了她的警觉性和韧性，但也导致了长期的焦虑。这种育儿方式的负面影响在她成年后依然存在。

🎯 父母的意图与结果的偏差：作者决心成为一名与祖父母不同的父母，避免使用恐惧作为教育手段，而是试图以直接而敏感的方式与孩子沟通可能令人担忧的问题。然而，她无意识中也继承了祖父母的担忧模式，对孩子进行了过度保护和警示。

💡 孩子无意识的恐惧映射：作者的儿子在成年后坦承自己“害怕一切”，并将这种恐惧归因于母亲的育儿方式。这让作者震惊地意识到，即使她努力避免，她自身的焦虑和恐惧也悄悄地传递给了孩子，导致了相似的负面结果。

🤝 承认错误与寻求改变：面对儿子的坦诚，作者深刻反思了自己的育儿方式，并为自己的错误向儿子道歉。她认识到自身焦虑对她育儿方式的影响，并开始寻求心理治疗和药物治疗来管理自己的焦虑，以期在最小的孩子身上做出积极改变。

🌱 培养自信而非恐惧：作者目前致力于为最小的两个孩子建立自信，努力打破恐惧传递的循环。她意识到，即使是出于保护孩子的善意，过度担忧和警示也会限制孩子的独立性和心理健康，因此需要更加积极和信任的态度。

My grandparents raised me, and they used fear as a parenting tactic.They thought it would make me safer, but it created anxiety.I vowed to do things differently as a parent, but my son recently told me the result was the same.

My grandparents raised me, and they weren't around much. I was often without adult supervision, and in an effort to protect me, they injected a healthy dose of fear into their parenting. And though it did instill both discernment and resilience, it also created anxiety.

While the origins of many of the stories that scared me didn't come directly from them, they perpetuated the myth and often added to it. I remember, at the age of 8, watching a movie as a family about the slow fallout of a nuclear war. No discussions followed the movie, no attempts to assuage my fears, even when I told them about the nightmares that came in the weeks after.

The things my grandparents warned me about often became a recurring theme of my childhood nightmares. Though their intentions were good, telling them about my fear just seemed to solidify their commitment to parenting me this way.

I wanted to parent differently

Before I became a parent myself, I talked with my grandparents about my upbringing. They told me they had figured I was better off scared than dead. I reminded them of all the ways my anxiety manifested with the chronic nightmares and fears around everything from death to nuclear war, but they offered no apologies. I knew I wanted to parent differently.

At 30, I had a son. Over the next eight years, I had three more kids. Rather than pull scary tales from the daily news or the town rumor mill, I kept them sheltered. When they asked about issues I thought could be frightening, I tried to explain in a way that was both direct and sensitive. Sometimes, the overwhelming anxiety I struggled with made it difficult, though I don't think I knew it at the time.

I learned that my son dealt with similar anxieties

Retrospection can be difficult as a parent. It often provides an overarching, distanced perspective we don't have when our children are little. Maybe this was why I was caught off guard when my 20-year-old son came over to have dinner one night and announced, "I'm afraid of everything."

When I asked what "everything" included, he delivered a list as long as my own. It included driving, fire, water, and a million other things.

"You passed all the fear from when you grew up to me," he said. Though I had aimed to raise my children differently from how my grandparents parented me, we had seemingly achieved a similar result. I, too, had created fear, which morphed into anxiety. My son carried it into adulthood just as I had.

As we said our goodbyes, I thought back to my early years as a parent. I told my kids to be careful with electricity. "Don't plug that in," I heard myself saying from almost two decades prior, "you might get shocked or start a fire." At the beach, warnings were issued about swimming too far out without adult supervision.

"You told us never to swim alone," my son said, "and I remember swimming with friends and searching for an adult. At 13, it became embarrassing."

The truth hurt, but it wasn't all bad

Looking back at how I'd parented in contrast to my intention was eye-opening. I didn't even realize I had anxiety until my 40s. I assumed everyone lived the way that I did — in a perpetual state of fear.

"I didn't know," I told my son. Then, I did what I've always done when I make a mistake: I told him I was sorry.

He told me it was OK, before adding, "It is probably part of the reason I made it to adulthood." While I was truly grateful for his forgiveness and understanding, I knew I needed to start doing things differently with my youngest two children, now 14 and 12. I've gone to therapy and also realized the value of taking medication to control my anxiety.

What I am trying to do now is instill confidence in my kids. My fears oozed onto everything I did and affected the way I parented. I suppose, like my grandparents, I was just doing my best to make sure my kids were safe.