Age 8 Months

“First tooth! Oh, my goodness—you’re turning into a big kid. Time to celebrate your achievement! Here’s a complimentary toothbrush printed with my name and address.”

Age 3

“Looks like all your baby teeth are in, so let me examine them while you stare at this video of an aquarium full of fish puppets. Yes, fish puppets. The production is a lot more complicated than just filming fish in the ocean, sure, but the images will mesmerize you as I tinker in your mouth.”

Age 6

“Wow, good job—I see adult teeth coming in! I’m sorry, honey, the fish-puppet video is gone forever, but we do now have a poster of fish taped to the ceiling. No, fish don’t have to go to the dentist. Why? Because God just gave them naturally perfect smiles.”

Age 8

“Emily, you’ve got cavities forming. Cut back on the candy. But it’s not all bad news. We’ve got a new cleaning paste you’re gonna love—synthetic-chemical bubblegum flavor.”

Age 9

“Well, that’s something. Your teeth are rotting less, but you’ve gotta floss every night. For how long? Forever. Welcome to the lifelong struggle of dealing with our creator’s sickest joke—putting rotting bones in our eating holes.”

Age 12

“Good news—you’re not going to need braces! But your mouth will be crowded. One day, this will come back to haunt you. Though not until you’re an adult woman and you’re paying for everything out of pocket. Backstreet Boys sticker?”

Age 13

“Sweetheart, you need a water pick to floss properly. It’s a good investment. Use your babysitting money.”

Age 14

“You’ve got a lot of bacterial buildup. F.Y.I., water picks don’t count as flossing. They’re just a fun oral-care bonus!”

Age 16

“Your front teeth are stained. You must have swallowed a lot of toothpaste when you were a kid. We’ll put bonding on them, but I can’t believe you consumed so much fluoride. What were you thinking?”

Age 17

“You need to floss every night, Emily. Every night. Have you considered a water pick?”

Age 19

“The only proper way to brush is with an electric toothbrush.”

Age 20

“You’ve been pushing on the electric toothbrush way too hard. There shouldn’t be any bleeding. Let it glide.”

Age 22

“You’re still not flossing properly. You have to use the uncomfortable string, otherwise you’re basically just moving the bacteria around your mouth!”

Age 25

“You’re a writer? That’s cool. Where do you get your ideas?”

Age 27

“Does it bother you that your front teeth are stained? It doesn’t? Good, you should feel confident in your body. You go, girl!”

Age 30

“Your gum line is receding. Be gentle on your gums! They’re one of those things your body doesn’t heal. It’s God’s way of laughing at us.”

Age 32

“Has anyone ever told you that your bite is asymmetrical? It’s O.K. Kelly Clarkson has that, too.”

Age 33

“Your mouth is too crowded. Time to pull some teeth. Getting old is a trip, right? Cash or credit?” ♦