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- For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.This week, a reader struggles with whether to go on what she thinks will be a "miserable" family vacation.Our columnist suggests doing some reflection, trying some light negotiation, and setting boundaries.Have a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
Dear For Love & Money,
My parents have a lake house, and every Fourth of July, my siblings and I spend a week there with them. I'm the youngest, and my siblings are both married. My older sister had a baby last summer. That just isn't the season of life I'm in. I'm still dating for fun, establishing my career, and enjoying relaxing with a cold beer.
My mom called me to let me know that with the new baby, the vibe will be different this year. My sister has asked us not to drink and to help her watch her kid because she is feeling anxious about not being able to relax with her daughter around the water.
This sounds miserable. I have a limited amount of PTO and don't want to spend my summer vacation watching someone else's kid. I told my mom this, and immediately got a call from my dad letting me know that they always spend a lot of money preparing for the week and that I'm being ungrateful and immature. I offered to pay him back for my share, which really set him off.
What should I do? Burn my PTO for a miserable vacation to give my dad his money's worth, or set my boundary and ask them to respect it?
Sincerely,
Annoyed Auntie
Dear Annoyed Auntie,
Your question is one of priorities — family or self? I don't say this to imply that spending your PTO on yourself is selfish. Your PTO — which often already doesn't feel long enough — is part of your benefits package and a valuable source of rest. However, there's a way to honor your needs while also making time for your family.
The fact that you wrote this letter tells me that you care about your relationship with your family, but some recent changes are making you regard the whole vacation in a negative light. Try to understand their true motives for treating this annual holiday at the lake like a standing obligation. Although your dad tried to make it about the money, I think it's clear from his response to your repayment offer that money has little to do with it. For parents, family traditions function as anchors, especially as their kids get older. You can take your lifeboat out to explore the world and make your mark on it, but they hope you'll always follow the coordinates back to where they anchored the mothership.
It's essential to keep the recent changes in perspective. Understandably, you don't want to babysit for a week straight. But your sister didn't ask you to keep her baby in your room and to change diapers at 3 a.m.; she simply said she would feel less anxious about being close to water if she knew her baby had several sets of watchful eyes looking out for her.
You're in a younger season of life with a job that makes taking breaks difficult. It makes sense that you want to make the most of your free time. While your sister is reasonably worried about the combination of adults under the influence of alcohol and her baby being near water, there may be some flexibility in there for you to negotiate. Ask her if she would be comfortable with you cracking a cold one after the baby is in bed for the night.
Your sister could likely use some child-free time herself this vacation. Offer to babysit your niece for an hour or two in the mornings or afternoons. Not only is this a nice thing to do for your sister, but it will also clearly delineate when you're on childcare duty and when you're not. You could also ask your parents to watch your niece while you take your sister out for drinks. This way, everyone is having fun.
Families change, and staying close despite these inevitabilities doesn't come without some sacrifices. Your family is changing — your sister has started a whole new one. Embrace them and show them that you love each version of them and every new member they introduce into your family. And remember that your evolving life will also be one of the changes your family will need to learn to accommodate.
All that said, I don't blame you for thinking of better ways to use your PTO. Prioritizing your family doesn't mean you have to sacrifice a year's worth of free time for them. If you feel short on PTO, just go for the long weekend. This way, you will be honoring your parents' tradition and enjoying time with your family, without having to use much, if any, PTO. Let your parents know your plan so they can arrange the expensive meals and activities for the days you're there, so that no money is wasted. But if you can spare the PTO, you may be surprised how much you enjoy your family time, just with one new member this year.
Imagine yourself 20 years from now, sitting by the lake sipping cocktails with your niece while she gives you a manicure and tells you about a bad date. You laugh together and you share a bit of your hard-won dating advice. Be honest — that sounds like a pretty great afternoon, doesn't it? Getting there begins at the lake this Fourth of July. Try to make it.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
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