Published on August 18, 2024 4:05 PM GMT
Meta: I recently entered the dating market, so naturally I have lots of random thoughts on the subject which you all get to suffer through for a while. Your usual diet of dry math and agency theory will resume shortly.
Obviously the phrase “true love” has been so thoroughly overdone in so much fiction as to lose all substantive meaning. That’s what happens when we leave important conceptual work to would-be poets. We’re here to reclaim the term, because there’s a useful concept which is very naturally described by the words “true” and “love”.
You know that thing where, when you’re smitten by someone, they seem more awesome than they really are? Your brain plays up all the great things about them, and plays down all the bad things, and makes up stories about how great they are in other ways too? And then you get even more smitten by them? All that perceived-wonderfulness makes your attraction a steady state? That’s part of normal being-in-love.
… and there’s something “false” about it. Like, in some sense, you’re in love with an imaginary person, not the real person in front of you. You’re in love with this construct in your head whose merits are greater and shortcomings more minor than the real person who triggered the cascade in your heart.
But what if you can see the target of your affection with clear eyes and level head, without the pleasant tint of limerance skewing your perception, and still feel a similar level of love? What if they are actually that good a fit to you, not just in your head but in real life? Well, the obvious name for that would be “true love”: love which is not built on a map-territory mismatch, but rather on perception of your loved one as they really are.
And that does actually seem like a pretty good fit for at least some of the poetry on the subject: loving your partner as they truly are, flaws and all, blah blah blah.
Alas, “false” love can still feel like “true” love from the inside as it’s happening. To tell it’s happening, you’d need to either be really good at keeping a level head, rely on feedback from other people you trust, or just wait until the honeymoon stage passes and find out in hindsight.
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