Courtesy of Neelma Faraz.
- After we got married, my husband and I moved in with his parents.Generational differences have meant differences in thinking at times, especially once we had kids.My in-laws hold old-school views on gender roles, but I've learned to stand my ground.
When I got married, my husband and I decided to move in with his parents. They all wanted it, and I was OK with it. Growing up in Pakistan, I'd seen many families live together in this way, and at first, it didn't seem like it would be a problem. My husband was kind, supportive, and took good care of me, and I expected his parents to be the same.
For the most part, we settled into a peaceful rhythm, marked by shared meals, family gatherings, and the sense of an extended support system. But living under one roof with different generations also meant differences in thinking that sometimes ran deep.
Old-school expectations and generational mindsets
My in-laws were traditional and old-school in many ways. For them, gender roles were clear and non-negotiable. Men weren't expected to help with household chores, and a woman's world was supposed to revolve entirely around home and family. No work, ambition, or personal goal was supposed to come before that.
In the beginning, I didn't push back much. I focused on settling into the family and avoiding conflict. But there were small moments that made me pause, like seeing my father-in-law sit at the table waiting to be served, never once trying to help himself. Or my in-laws believing that men shouldn't do anything in the kitchen — not even make their own tea, ever. Even if the women in the house weren't feeling well, it simply wouldn't occur to them to prepare a cup of tea themselves, let alone cook a meal, because serving men was seen as a woman's job.
At first, I brushed these things aside, telling myself it wasn't worth the argument.
Motherhood changed everything
After I became a mother, especially to three boys, I realized I couldn't keep ignoring these differences.
Once, one of my sons accidentally spilled juice on the floor. I handed him a mop and told him to clean it up. He was cranky about it, but he knew he had to do it. My mother-in-law didn't exactly interfere, but I could hear her muffled disapproval that a boy shouldn't be made to handle such tasks.
My in-laws also didn't approve of me wanting to continue working, reminding me again and again that a woman's first priority should be her home and children, even though I was only working part-time from home.
I am not someone who would overreact to the idea of someone wanting to stay at home and not work. I completely respect that choice — if staying home makes someone happy, that's wonderful. But that's not me. I've always wanted to work, not just for financial reasons, but because it's part of who I am.
The subtle remarks and comments from my in-laws started to weigh on me because I saw how they were shaping my kids' ideas about what men and women should or shouldn't do. They were lessons my kids were absorbing every day about responsibility, respect, and gender roles.
Finally, standing my ground
Standing my ground came with struggles. There were disagreements, subtle comments, and tension that sometimes hung in the air for days. There were hardly ever dramatic arguments — more often, it was quiet disapproval, the kind that is felt more than heard.
My husband was supportive, but sometimes caught in the middle. He'd grown up with the same traditional ideas, and while he understood me and my beliefs, he also felt torn between keeping peace at home and standing by my choices.
There were times I felt judged, or selfish, or caught between two expectations. But I kept going in a way that was true to me because I knew I'd regret giving up a part of myself entirely. Also, I wanted my sons to grow up understanding that respect goes both ways. That chores aren't "women's work." That a woman can have her own ambitions and still love her family deeply.
What I want my children to carry forward
God willing, my husband and I will be celebrating our 18th anniversary this year. Looking back, I'm glad I stood my ground on some issues. We still live with his parents, but a lot has changed in our home. My boys help around the house without being asked, so they don't think twice about picking up a mop or setting the table. They understand that their mother has dreams of her own, and that doesn't make her any less loving or devoted.
There are days when I'm tired and my son brings me a cup of evening tea, not just for me, but for his grandmother too, who now gladly accepts it. My boys are praised for being kind, empathetic, and supportive — and that makes every quiet battle I fought worth it.
I don't believe one generation is right and the other wrong — we just come from different times, shaped by different expectations. For my in-laws, traditional roles brought comfort and order. But I realized that blindly following traditions — especially ones I didn't believe in — wasn't the path I wanted for myself or my children.
Tradition and change can coexist, but only when you stand up for what matters, with both respect and resolve.
