Read an autofiction novel written by someone your age about how they’re way too old to be this pathetic and single.

Attend a barbecue. Talk with a friend from college about how her marriage is opening up. Say, “One sec, I’m gonna get a drink. Do you want anything?” But it’s clear to both of you that you’re just trying to make a polite exit.

Look at a meme that depicts a thing you feel nostalgic about, which informs you that if you feel nostalgic about this thing you are days away from throwing out your back.

Discover, with horror, that with each passing day you are becoming increasingly sympathetic to every value held by George Costanza.