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- As a mother of four, I often get unsolicited comments about my family's size while shopping.Now, I have a variety of responses ready to help deflect the remarks that can come off judgmental.It's important to me that I teach my children they don't need to justify their family to others.
It all started when we had three kids under the age of five. I'd load up my children in our minivan, get to the grocery store, get one settled in the front seat of the cart, and begin gathering all the items on my list. Inevitably, a few adults, mostly elderly, would stop me to say, "Wow. You've got your hands full," while we were in the store.
Usually, their comment wasn't jovial. Rather, their tone was often flat and came across as judgemental. They would also often remark that I looked tired. I would think something along the lines of, Astute observation, Beverly! Of course I am tired. I haven't slept through the night in over a year since the new baby arrived!
Meet them with corny responses
Frankly, their evaluation of my family wasn't really my concern, but I was annoyed that they chose to interrupt my shopping while I was clearly also trying to appease my children.
I would sometimes reply, as cheesy as possible, "Hands full, heart full!" I may have even thrown in a wink or a shoulder shimmy before returning to getting the bag of apples out of my toddler's hands.
Meet them with humor
Sometimes I would say to the person commenting how tired I must be, "Yup! Iced coffee is my best friend!"
And now that we have four kids, "Oh, yes! We actually don't think we have enough family members, so we also decided to bring in two rescue dogs! Want to see a picture?" This turns the situation back on them. They look ridiculous being intrusive and rude, and I'm meeting their curiosity with my next point, confidence.
Meet them with confidence
One of my go-to lines to share with any person who seems dead-set on giving me their unsolicited advice or opinion on our family is to confidently respond with, "We love our family!" or "We're ok with our choices."
They always seem to have a hard time arguing with an "we" statement of ownership and confidence. What can they really say?
Meet them with empathy
I realize that a lot of strangers may speak from their own experiences, oftentimes their pain. Maybe they were part of a big family and that overwhelmed them or meant they didn't get enough parental attention and support. Maybe they always wanted siblings but never had them, having the immense pressure of being an only child. Perhaps they wanted to be parents themselves, even parents to many kids, and this never manifested.
Sometimes I try to be empathetic to the unspoken. This can be done by a simple, "Yes, we do have our hands full!" This shows we listened to what they had to share, but we chose not to take it personally.
Our family is just right for us
Now that my kids are older, we don't let the Negative Nancies (or Nicholases) bother us. The comments have also lessened, likely because an adult is more likely to realize that my kids can hear them and understand what's being said. Perhaps this causes the some to think twice before issuing a verdict based on their personal opinions.
We've used these moments to show our kids that they don't have to explain themselves or justify their family to anyone. They also have the power to respond as they see fit.
