Published on July 2, 2025 12:55 AM GMT
This is a follow-up to my earlier post about designing a Winter Solstice gathering that combined Rationalist Solstice traditions with local Māori Matariki practices. Here's what I learned from actually running the event.
TL;DR: People wanted structured conversation more than curated performance. Starting with collective acknowledgment of loss made subsequent vulnerability feel natural. Social coordination mechanics are harder than they look, but small-scale practice matters for larger coordination challenges.
What I Was Trying to Solve
Growing up in a religious family, I personally wasn't getting the meaningful aspects of seasonal gatherings which I fondly remember from my childhood. Living in New Zealand, I wanted to create something that honored both Rationalist Solstice traditions and local Matariki practices without falling into either cultural appropriation or forcing cringy fake rituals on people.
My design principles were:
- Astronomical grounding: June 20th winter solstice coinciding with Matariki (Māori New Year)Genuine conversation: Explicitly confronting mortality, loss of control, and existential risks rather than toxic positivityCommunity coordination practice: Activities requiring cooperation and creating new social bondsEmbodied experience: Physical elements creating lasting memories beyond just talk
The evening progressed through Acts from Golden Hour, Twilight, Sunset, Nightfall, through "Darkest Night" to "Dawn" with ~27 guests over 3 hours.
What Worked: The Unexpected Power of Structured Vulnerability
The Lamps Ritual Sets Everything in Motion
The evening's keystone turned out to be our opening "Remembrance of the Dead" ritual. We started by explaining Matariki/Pleiades astronomy, then transitioned to acknowledging "the company we've lost."
The mechanics: Table by table, people came forward. Anyone who wished could speak a name of someone who had died, and also open up about why they remember that person, then extinguish a lamp. No obligation to speak—silence was explicitly permitted as a form of honoring others. As each light went out, the room grew dimmer.
This worked because:
- Voluntary participation within collective structure: You could choose whether to speak, but everyone participated in the dimmingOpening up in front of the room: Started everyone off with a chance to share something personal, short-cutting straight into the Fast-Friends method for getting people connected.
Physical embodiment: Each name visibly changed the environment
Starting with acknowledged loss made everything else possible. When we later asked deeper questions to be shared, it felt natural rather than forced.
Conversation Prompts Beat Performance
I spent enormous energy curating music for each transition. This largely failed. People mostly wanted to chat with their neighbors, and the room acoustics made careful listening impossible anyway.
What actually worked: Structured conversation prompts that progressed from safe to vulnerable:
- "What seasonal rituals do you remember? Share fond memories and who they were with.""What journeys are you on? What journeys have you recently completed?""What in your life feels stuck, frozen? Sharing can help us thaw out.""What truth do you need to acknowledge? What are you closing your eyes to?"
The progression gave people permission to open up while maintaining safety. Background music was fine, but 30% of my preparation effort would have achieved 90% of the value.
Social Mixing Mechanics (And Their Failure Modes)
I wanted to give people the opportunity to interact with more people over the night by reshuffling table conversations a few times during the evening. The goal worked—people met new faces and practiced small-scale cooperation. The execution was clunky.
What I tried:
- First remix: Choose an "anchor" person to stay at each table, plus one companion. Everyone else freely chose new tables.Second remix: Each table chose an "emissary" to visit another table, taking one companion. The remaining three stayed together.
Failure modes:
- Tables devolved into conversation without actually selecting leadersPeople hesitated to identify themselves or stand upInstructions weren't clear enough, causing confusion during transitions
Better approaches for next time: Random selection (birthday months, card draws, etc.) rather than requiring tables to self-select leaders. Clearer signaling for transitions—maybe a dinner bell rather than trying to speak over conversations.
What Failed: The Performance vs. Participation Trade-off
Transitions and Authority
I expected musical transitions to naturally guide people between acts. Instead, we had to interrupt conversations and call for attention each time. This felt jarring and exposed a fundamental tension: people wanted to participate, not perform or be performed to.
The co-hosted presentation elements (alternating speaking with a different person for each Act) worked better than solo delivery, but still felt scripted. Next time, less performance, more facilitation.
The Darkness Meditation
Our culminating ritual involved forming a circle, my sharing reflections on mortality and existential risk, then sitting in complete darkness before relighting candles together. [Full text of my reflection available here]
This partially worked—the content addressed real fears (AI alignment, climate change, personal struggles) and the physical darkness created a powerful shared experience. But my expectation that people would naturally share after my reflection didn't materialize. 25 people in a circle is too large for spontaneous vulnerability without more preparation.
Service and Participation
Helen and Tessa spent most of their evening managing food service instead of participating in conversations. Hiring help would be worth it for hosts to actually attend their own event.
What This Teaches Us About Community Building
People Want Structure, Not Performance
The most valuable insight: people wanted guided conversation more than curated experience. They appreciated framing and permission to go deeper, but they wanted to create meaning with each other, not receive it from a presenter.
This challenges assumptions about what makes events "meaningful." The structure enabled authentic interaction rather than creating it.
Starting with Hard Truths Makes Everything Easier
Beginning with mortality acknowledgment rather than working up to it created psychological safety for later vulnerability. When you've already said the names of the dead together, discussing personal struggles feels manageable.
Small-Scale Coordination Practice Matters
The table mixing activities were clunky but valuable. We can't coordinate at larger scales unless we know how to gather around fires together. Even failed attempts teach us something about human coordination patterns. More could be done here.
Physical Elements Create Lasting Memory
People will remember the moment lights went out with each name spoken. They'll remember holding candles in complete darkness. The embodied experiences matter more than the words.
Practical Takeaways for Event Organizers
- Spend less time on performance elements, more on conversation structureStart with collective acknowledgment of difficult truths rather than building up to themUse random selection for group activities rather than requiring self-selectionPlan for conversations running longer than expectedPhysical/sensory elements create stronger memories than conceptual onesCo-hosting works better than solo presentationHire help so organizers can participate in their own events
Looking Forward
25+ people spent three hours in comparitively deeper discussions with their friends and neighbors, than we normally find ourselves in the rest of the year - processing mortality, existential risk, and personal struggles together. We're planning to continue annually, incorporating these lessons.
The broader question: What role should secular ritual play in rationalist community building? If we need coordination to solve civilizational challenges, we need practice spaces for learning how to coordinate. Seasonal gatherings might be one useful approach.
I used Claude extensively as a research assistant and drafting tool for both planning and writing about this event, while taking care to review and rewrite everything to ensure it represented my actual experience and values.
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