Published on February 2, 2025 10:48 AM GMT
Obi-Wan Kenobi bought passage from a scumbag with a confusing name. Luke couldn't tell whether Han's name was pronounced /hɑːn/ /hæn/? Fortunately this story is in prose, not film, and the pronunciation of Han's name is not plot relevant, so I can just write "Han" and leave the choice of pronunciation up to you. Whatever pronunciation you pick, they emerged from hyperspace in the Alderaan system. Han briefed his passengers on the their upcoming landing.
"Thank you for flying with us. We have received clearance to land and have begun our descent onto Alderaan. Please do not leave any contraband on this ship. Unless it's valuable. Then by all means leave it here, but let me know where it is," said Han.
"Grawr," said Chewbacca.
"You're right," Luke sighed, "I guess deep down I wish I lived in an exciting isekai universe full epic destinies, sci-fi technology, and princess to rescue. Instead, here I am in the real world, 19-year-old Luke Skywalker, riding a YT-1300 Corellian light freighter to Alderaan."
"Grawr," said Chewbacca.
"You know," said Han, "I always assumed Alderaan was a temperate planet. I didn't realize it was a megastructure like Centerpoint Station."
That got their attention. "Alderaan is a temperate planet," said Obi-Wan.
The word "Alderaan" can refer to the star "Alderaan", the planet "Alderaan", and the star system "Alderaan". If you want to be pedantic, the planet Alderaan ought to be referred to as "Alderaan I". (In this way, Earth can be referred to as "Sol III".) But everyone just called it "Alderaan".
When Chewbacca entered "Alderaan I" into the navcomputer, that told the navcomputer to bring the Falcon to the first planet in the "Alderaan" system. A planet is a massive spherical object that has cleared its of bit of competing debris. The navcomputer defines to "Alderaan I" as the big massive object orbiting Alderaan.
Thus, the Milennium Falcon emerged from hyperspace not around Leia's home planet of Alderaan I (which no longer existed) but instead within kilometers of the Life Star.
Our four heroes looked at the Life Star through the cockpit window.
"You're telling me this isn't Alderaan?" said Han.
"Nope," said Obi-Wan, "Didn't you think to ask why we were landing on a giant Imperial battlestation?"
"'No questions asked'―that was the deal. Well, that's your problem. We're already in the process of landing. It's been wonderful meeting you all," said Han.
"Those are a lot of turbolaser turrets," said Luke, "This megastructure is armed like an Imperial batttlestation. I wonder what the Empire might do if they come to believe that this ship has been. I mean, it doesn't make a difference to me―I'm just a passenger. But Captain Han Solo might get in trouble if the ownership trail of this transport ship isn't perfectly documented. Not to imply anything, of course. You did assure us you are a legitimate businessman. Aside from running the Imperial Blockade in Mos Eisley, which I'm sure the Imperial Navy knows nothing about."
"Chewie, turn us around," said Han.
"But we can't turn back, fear is their greatest defense, I doubt if the actual security there is any greater than it was on Aquilae or Sullust and what there is is most likely directed towards a large-scale assault," said Luke.
"Do you spend your nights strategizing imaginary wars?" asked Han.
"I'm sure we'll be fine," said Luke, "Obi-Wan Kenobi is a space wizard. Grand strategy is predicated on the laws of physics. If you have magic powers then you can use them to flip the gameboard. All of their strategies go out the window."
"Hyperspace. Now," said Han.
Chewbacca pulled the lever activating the hyperdrive. There was a [clunk] sound, but the stars remained fixed in place.
"It's too late. We're inside their gravity well," said Luke.
"I hadn't noticed," said Han, grumpily.
"Okay. We're landing on that fortress-like thing whether we want to or not, and we're in a ship that just ran the Imperial Blockade on Mos Eisley," said Luke, "Who has a plan that might get some of us out of here alive?"
"Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?" asked Princess Leia Organa.
I'm not going to bother describing this scene. Most of you reading this have probably watched Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. You know what Death Star detention block AA-23 looks like. In case you haven't, here's the original scene. Now back to the story.
The not-a-stormtrooper took off his helmet.
"Huh? Oh, the uniform," Luke Skywalker took off the stormtrooper helmet, "I'm Luke Skywalker. I'm here to rescue you."
"You're who?" asked Leia.
"I'm here to rescue you. I've got your R2 unit. I'm here with Ben Kenobi. He's a last Space Wizard. This battlestation is nothing next to the power of Space Magic. Right now this entire battlestation is hunting him, which is who I got into your detention block so easily," said Luke.
"Um…. Do you know why Obi-Wan Kenobi is the last Space Wizard?" asked Leia.
"Why? Does that matter?" said Luke.
"Because Darth Vader killed the rest," said Leia.
"Oh," said Luke.
Kenobi and Vader faced each other with lightsaber blades humming.
"Full disclosure," said Obi-Wan, "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Right before you kill me, I will use Force Transcendence and become one with the Force. Alas, it only works if I die involuntarily. So you really shouldn't kill me."
"If this were true, then you would not tell me," said Vader, "You know that my lightsaber consumes all the Space Magic in its vicinity. You know that my anti-magic field renders your Force Transcendence power inoperable. You are bluffing."
Obi-Wan charged at Vader. Vader struck him down.
"If Obi-Wan fails to disable the tractor beam preventing our escape, then what do we do instead?" asked Luke.
"We steal Vader's flagship," said Leia.
"Are you insane?" said Luke.
"No. Insane is getting trapped in an Imperial megastructure and then deciding to yourself 'I'm going to rescue the princess'," said Leia.
"How would that help, anyway?" asked Luke.
"Vader's flagship has special technology," said Leia, "It disabled my corvette's hyperdrive and artificial gravity. I wouldn't be surprised if it could disable a tractor beam too."
"But how will we get there?" said Luke.
"Ah," said Leia sarcastically, "If only we had a complete schematic of this megastructure and an droid with all sensitive information related to its firmware. We could get there through the maintenance tunnels. This would be a walk in the park."
"Beep beep," R2 chirped over the radio.
Luke Skywalker and his sister took a dirty shortcut where they were attacked by a tentacle monster. They kissed each other. Somehow this story managed to stay PG.
Luke, Leia, Han, the Wookie and their droids emerged in Thrawn's hanger containing Vader's Interdictor Ship.
"Where are the guards?" asked Luke.
"I told Thrawn's troops that Vader wanted his ship back and that he was in a bad mood," said Han.
"I can't believe they fell for that," said Leia, "But I don't even care anymore at this point. I'm done pretending that reality makes sense. I will deal with reality again when I am off this clown show of a megastructure. Activate the Interdictor Field and let's get out of here."
"Um…" said Han.
"What?" said Leia.
"I can't find the Interdictor Field generator," said Han.
"Grawr," said Chewbacca.
"Chewie can't find it either," said Han, "Our repulsors aren't working. The Interdictor Field is holding us in place. And if I run the chemical rockets we'll just explode unless we can get that tractor beam shut off first."
Stormtroopers appeared in the human-entrance to the hanger. They started shooting at Vader's Interdictor Ship.
"Let me guess," said Luke, "The troops don't care about Han and Chewbacca, but they care about Leia and R2 so they pretended to be tricked by Han so they could trap all of us here."
Leia nodded. "We'd better find that Interdictor Field generator fast."
"I've searched this entire ship," said Han, "There's lots of weird stuff about it. Exotic weapons, a set of chemical engines. But no interdictor field. It doesn't even have an artificial gravity generator."
Artifical gravity generator. That reminded something Luke remembered from his physics class long ago. That all of physics was perfectly beautiful and symmetric except for hyperspace, artificial gravity, shields and a few weapon types. Luke put together a puzzle that had been staring him in the face all his life. He was going to flip the gameboard.
"Zark you, Obi-Wan Kenobi," Luke muttered.
"What?" said Leia.
"Every in your seats. Now! Buckle up!" Luke shouted, "Han, prepare to activate the chemical thrusters."
"But if I activate the chemical rockets while the tractor beam is active, we'll all die in a firey explosion," said Han.
Luke ignited the lightsaber Obi-Wan stole from Vader. The Life Star's local artificial gravity vanished and they were left with only a slight natural gravity. The troopers stopped firing. All the air in the docking bay rushed out as the force field containing it vanished.
"Are you insane‽" said Leia, "Turn that thing off. You could cut someone's head off."
"Trust me on this," said Luke, "Han, activate the chemical thrusters."
Han pulled a lever and they were thrown back into their seats at 5 s. The Interdictor Ship rocketed out of the hanger.
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